For a Few Dollars More

So I’m on this Z-Pack antibiotic thing…and it seems to be working. Only I’m now seriously considering tracking down some of that mucinex stuff…because damn. My nose has not stopped running for 5 days. I don’t know if it’s a side effect or what, but it’s really annoying. The other sucky part is, blowing my nose hurts my ears…which is why I’m on the daggone meds to begin with-double ear infection. Ah well, lemme just grab a kleenex and get to typing.

First off, A happy St. Patrick’s Day to you all. It’s the one day a year when we all get to pretend we’re full-Irish and that green beer doesn’t make us want to vomit.

OK, now that that’s out of the way. Let’s get down to it.

The Thrift.

It has been a hella long time since the missus and I have had the Dinner/Thrift Run and tonight we felt like we were due. I could sense the ozone-esque smell of comedy gold in the air. And I was not disappointed (I hope you all can say the same after reading on).

Usually the first place we head is the BulkThrift area. This is where all the skanky used bikes from 1983 wind up (with those sponge pad handlebar grips…remember those?). Today we were greeted by a sadder sight.
This sad little guy just looked all alone. It’s actually kind of depressing to think, but somewhere there’s a little kid out there sitting just like this, waiting for a bear to hug and hold.

But that moment passed as soon as I rounded the corner and saw this!
Now I have to be totally honest with you hear. My first thought was “the joke will pretty much write itself.” It wasn’t until I took a step back and actually looked at the thing before the second thought hit.

What the sh-t is it? It looks like a pillow. For your boobs. It’s like one of those car pillows for your neck. Only for your boobs. Is such a thing really necessary??

And as long as we’re in the vein of boobs, lets head over to the redneck training camp. First up for little Billy Bob is this wonderful item.
Now I want to assure you…this is not a little model. This is one of those ride along things with the little battery and kids race around the yard terrorizing the neighbor’s cat (which I really never liked anyway). So after coming home from the tractor pull, what’s the first thing lil’Bubba’s gonna wanna do? That’s right-run hover his sister’s rubber ducky (also pictured).

I’d like to ask for a moment of silence and let you know that rap, as we knew it, is officially dead. The last gasp was the 36Mafia’s win at the Academy Awards…but this is the final nail in the coffin.
When an entire genre of music is reduced to a stuffed toy, it’s over. If you press the paw, it starts playing “F***Tha Police.” Further proof that IceCube done lost his mind.

And now I’d like to take a moment and address a special segment to all of you World of Warcraft/MMORPG folks out there.

First off….Dungeons and Dragons started all of this. On paper. DECADES ago. And people had to actually interact face to face in order to play the game. It was the only way we got any sunlight (the short trips outside heading to someone else’s basement). So don’t tell me how great your horde is…I know. OK. I know.

But we also had some fancy games, too.


Oh Yes! DarkTower was the isht back in the day,yo (because, really, you can only draw so many dungeons on graph paper and kiss up to that sucky DM for so long before your Jolt filled veins boil). This was from back in the day when MiltonBradley wasn’t afraid to make cool games.

And if you got tired of the fantasy life, you could always try to impress your friends (or blow up your siblings’ toys) with the dreaded Chemistry Set (cue scary music)!
Um. Sorry. It was the only chemistry set they had. And no, you’re right. It’s not very scary. Except for the part where it says you can make a Liquid Patriot. I’m not really sure what the hell that is…and I’m not sure I want to know at this point. There will just have to be some things in my life that go undiscovered. That would be one of them.

And what trip through the toy aisle would be complete without that game of global harmony “Give Peace A Chance”? What cracked me up about this is…look at what the American kid is wearing. A Braves t-shirt. The Atlanta Braves. Home of the Tomahawk chop. Nice.

The last thing to catch my eye as I headed out of the toys was the Radioshack Concertmate Starter Kit. This was basically Radioshack’s way of convincing any parent that bought their Casio-OEM’d keyboards that they needed to help jumpstart their child’s love of learning to play music. It came with instruction books and easy to read song books, chock full of the hottest hits.
Hits? Um…What? What hits? The only thing even close to a “hit” is Tears in Heaven. And that’s going to (a)suck on the keyboard, (b)liven up the party (no, not really), or (c)suck so hard on the keyboard that your partyguests whap you over the head with the new keyboard mommy and daddy bought you. Better practice “Love Takes Time” instead. You know what else takes time? not sucking. And unfortunately, that won’t be you if you try to play any of these “easy” hit songs on your keyboard.

From the toys, I drifted around a bit.
Found a scary statue:
A pair of glasses and it’d be Deadeye Dick. A red nose and it’d be Ted Kennedy. Either way it’s WAY too freakin’ creepy. And for $8.99?? No way.

Creepy stuff was proudly on display elsewhere in the store tonight. All I can say is…poor Brian. Your parents never gave you a chance, did they?
And here’s the shelf where sucky lamps go to die.

OK. It’s an electric candle….and the shade spins? Everything about this screams bad idea. There’s just no way to harness its powers for good. It must be destroyed.

OK. I have to admit. this next item almost pulled me in. It’s an electric popcorn popper AND…(drum roll please)….
But the more I thought about it, the less sense it made. Sure, popcorn and the ability to dip small items skewered on sticks into a hot sauce like substance are both great things. But together??? Clearly this was an idea too revolutionary for today’s society. I’m still not sure how (or why) they pulled it off in the 70’s. If only it could make Bananas Foster…THEN it would truly would have been the complete 7o’s Party Machine.

OK, all kidding aside. WTF is this??
I would have to say that Bobby is somewhere serving time for some very violent crime. Clearly though, it’s not his fault. Who wouldn’t be driven to a life of crime if THAT sign was in their room??

It’s no secret that men geek off tools. And this one was cool:
I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of amped up soldering gun. And it has a light. That’s so you can see how much of your fingertip you’ve actually burned off trying to use the damn thing.

Speaking of burning fingertips…the missus and I recently had a conversation on which was the best Patrick Swayze movie.
Here’s her answer:
She’s wrong, of course. The best Patrick Swayze movie is clearly Red Dawn. As evidenced by the fact that there were no second-hand copies of it to be found at the thrift store (people tend to hang on to pure cinematic genius when they find it).

And on to the fun part of the thrift….the shirts!!

There’s a rule somewhere in the T-Shirt Guide that says “If a ‘Property Of…’ t-shirt displays a size on the front of the shirt, that size MUST correspond to the actual size of said t-shirt.” Apparently the folks at Plush are in violation of code.

The Zodiac Hockey League never really took off…

OH YEAH!! This baby made it home with me. Thunder…Thunder….Thundercats HOOOOOOO!
That’s what I’m talkin’ bout.

This wasn’t my size, or I would have picked it up. It’s always good to have collector’s items with the original cast when one of them leaves the show. Apparently Chef Hayes decided that the trapped in the closet/scientology episode crossed the line. Right….what-6 years later and THAT’s where Issaac Hayes is standing his moral ground??

Another artifact from the past. I remember waking up one morning, expecting my daily dose of Rodeo Today when I was greeted with Pamela Anderson’s animated breastesses. Yes, overnight, TNN-formerly The Nashville Network-had become TNN-The first network for Men.
Of course, now it’s called “SpikeTV.” And you can’t find an episode of Ren and Stimpy to save your ass. But they’ve more than made up for it with 2hours a day of CSI and MXC.

I was surprised to see a tourist shirt that was actually made in the country it was promoting. You really don’t see that these days.

This is such a layered geek shirt that it’s not even funny. See…Active Directory is what really allowed sysadmins to manage their network domains. So, he’s Master of his Domain. Which, if you’re a fan of Seinfeld, takes on a whole new meaning.
See what I mean? Geek humor. It’s the new pink.

This shirt was only somewhat reassuring.

And this one somehow escaped the White House Gift Shop.

Nancy and I agree, this would have been so much better if it had said “Heaven’s Just a Funky Moose,” but you can’t have everything.

The front of this is an ad for TurkeyHill Dairy farms. I just thought the back was cool. Because…yeah…maybe a giant cow would be cool. Then again, maybe it would be scary as hell.

Kinda just says it all, eh?

And I was trying to think….(a)what kind of son would buy this for his dad….and (b)what kind of dad would wear it proudly?? The answer to both part of the question were the same. And they both live in a trailer and think Kevin Federline is the luckiest sombitch on earth.

As we headed out, I noticed this in the “Showcase” area.
It’s a animal skin of some sort.
With a painting on it.
for like $35.
Who prices this stuff? And who on earth would buy this?? If you look closely, you’ll see the golden horse looking back, as if to say, “Hey, lady…you really could use a pillow for your boobs.”

And the last shot of the night goes to the Celebrity Fit Club commemorative clock.
It’s interesting to note that the scales of justice have gone askew. Apparently we were trying to be too just and broke one of the chains. No matter, though. That rope should hold just fine.

Apparently justice is not only blind but it’s a redneck timetelling device that’s right at least twice a day.

And with that I leave you. Time for some cocoa puffs, some Friday Night Standup and a nyquil night cap.

2 thoughts on “For a Few Dollars More

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