The Thrift End of the Ocean

Well, loyal reader(s) here’s the moment you’ve been waiting for.
(dramatic pause)

Oh yeah. It’s time for the THRIFT STORE REPORT.

Before I get too far into it, I have to tell you something funny that happened. Have you ever been in a store and someone thought you worked there, so they started asking you questions? This was kind of like that.

I was back by the computer stuff (surprise surprise) and some guy comes up to me.
“‘Scuse me, do you know anything about computers, man?”

And this is what I was looking like (I came straight from work):

In case you can’t tell, there’s a camera on my hip….AND a crackberry-esque Phone/PDA thing (I’m on call this week). And I had a cell phone in my back pocket (which I’m hoping the dude couldn’t see).
So…what is this? Geek-profiling? Why me? OK, OK…so I know a little about computers. He was just asking about whether an HP monitor would go with a Compaq desktop. I didn’t have the inclination to tell the man that Compaq was purchased by HP several years ago so they really were the same company. It just seemed like too much work quite a bit more information than he was looking for, so I just said “sure.”

Alrighty, now back to the show.

I’d like to start off with a thrift store first for me (I didn’t know there could actually be anymore firsts, but the O-Thrift-S continues to surprise and amaze me).

Yes. A pool table. A freakin’ big boy smokey bowling alley pool table. And for only a mere $500. What a steal. Of course you can’t tell what kind of shape the slate is in. It’s very likely that it’s been played hard. Alright, so dreams of going on ESPN and whuppin’ that asian chick in the pool tourneys would have to wait.

On to the toys…

I’m sure someone out there will know what Anime series this is from. I’m assuming it’s anime because..well…if it’s not then some toymaker somewhere is punishing all of us for his bad acid trip.

XZibit…pimp my toy!! I can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to buy a broken toy. But I’ve been wrong before.

OK. Here’s the thing…there is only one Family Feud. And it’s got Richard Dawson. Not the dude from Home Improvement or whatever knob is hosting it now. So, needless to say I’m not a big fan of The New Family Feud. And really….the game hasn’t changed that much. Survey Says… the old school game with the cooler cover.

My favorite all time show on VH1 is Pop Up Video. No questions. It’s the best series they’ve ever had (although I am a bit partial to the Weird Al and Milli Vanilli Behind the Music episodes). So, um…yeah, we picked up the game.

All in all, the toys tonight were not what I had hoped. I think we’re on the decline, but it’s going to take a few more trips to figure out what’s going on with the toys.

So, I’ll jump over to the clothes. And I have to say-it’s a lot easier to find pants in 42/30 and 44/30 than it is in 46/30, 48/30. I didn’t go all the way through the regular t-shirts (I’ll do a special t-shirt episode soon). But I couldn’t let it go without this little gem.

Trust me. If you are wearing this shirt, I can assure you…no one will be jealous of you. And those aren’t babes. They’re dudes.

This is what it would look like if they made Garanimals for adults.

Somewhere out there there’s a little kid who’s wondering where the shirt he got Daddy for Father’s Day went to. And a Dad that’s happy it’s lost.

OK. Is it really necessary to put the word “BIG” after the 4X? I mean, if you don’t know by now that FOUR EXTRA LARGE is huge…then you have no business buying clothes.

This was my second favorite find of the night. OK. I mean of the clothes. This looks straight out of the 80’s. How could I pass on this? It’s One Size Fits All. How can you go wrong?

And I don’t EVER want anyone to say that I don’t buy American. This shirt came home with me. A shirt from the streets,yo.

South Central, LA no less.

OK. Here’s what I don’t understand. Why the hell do they make a size MEDIUM Hawaiian shirt?? I’m sorry, but you aren’t going to find very many people on the islands that could wear a size medium. Those polynesians are some big (4X/BIG) dudes. And so am I. And it’s just not fair that there’s no cool big dude shirts, dammit.

We’ll round out the clothes segment of today’s show with this little gem.

Judging from the picture, I’d say it’s from the pre-Celebrity/Pop days. I mean, Chris Kirkpatrick still has his “I Want it That Way” dreadlocks. Ok, OK. I may have taken my daughter to an *NSync concert. And I may have known the words to just as many songs as she did. Don’t you judge me!! Regardless, this came home with us. No…not for me (it didn’t fit)…Nancy’s now it’s proud owner.

So after the clothes search was over (and I had the kickass short sleeved ghetto hoodie), I headed back to my favorite (ok, 2nd favorite) area of the store…the isle of creepy ass ceramics!

I could tell right away this was going to be an extra special ceramics trip…anything thing starts off with the doe-eyed-big-headed-pouty-boy with his hands between his legs is bound to go well. I didn’t get a very good shot of the pharaohs, but in looking back, I’m wondering what the hell they were actually for? They were too small to be bookends or candleholders. And they had no holes, so salt and pepper shakers weren’t an option. It’s a mystery-it’s the riddle of the Sphinxter!

Um..I’m not Catholic or anything, so forgive my ignorance on this one…but is the nativity story different in a catholic bible? I didn’t think there were pots and pans or a brick hearth in the manger. And is that a loaf of bread she’ s holding? OK, I’m not theologian, but I’m pretty sure the Son of God was an actual person…not a loaf of bread.

This is quite possibly the scariest cake-topper ever. Generally you want your cake topper to be flattering, fun, a happy thing to commemorate your happy day. Apparently this was from the Dawn of the Dead cake-topper series.

There was a plethora of weird owl figurines, but that wasn’t what caught my eye. It was the chick in the crazy leopard trim coat. One would be inclined to think that she was singing…or yodeling. But there are no songbooks to be found (not that there are a ton of yodeling song books anyway). Regardless, I just really can’t think of a good reason that this belongs in anyone’s home.

In his later years, Morris the Cat took odd jobs. Sitting for sculptures, that kind of thing, but he just couldn’t seem to recapture the glory days when he was the 9-Lives cha cha cha cat.

Precious Moments my ass. These things are just creepy. And you can’t tell from the pic, but that hole is just big enough for a shot glass. And I have no idea where the soap sculpture bumble bee zebra came from. That’s just wrong.

Cats like balls. Except this possessed cat. What the hell is it with creepy cat figurines?? It’s just wrong.

I could be wrong, but shouldn’t a statue commemorating a ‘sport’ show the best aspect of that sport (although, is bareback riding really a sport?-You make the call)? Not some guy getting thrown from the horse! That’d be like the Heisman trophy dude fumbling the ball.

WESTSIIIIIIIDE in the Hizzous!!

EASTSIIIDE! Bethlehem represent, yo!

And now we head from our Lord over to some other fine goodies that caught my eye. Here’s where things take a random turn (right now, nowhere else in this post).

This is the kind of matress thingy I always wanted as a kid. I would have put my StarWars blanket on it and been one happy nerdy kid. Now, that I’m older and wiser (and have grown out of my nerdy ways), I realize that it would have been a big mistake to cross-pollenate StarWars with the Space1999 meets Flash Gordon motifs. It just wouldn’t have worked out. It might have scarred me for life.

Tired of having to walk all the way across the house to use the bathroom? CrapperCo has the answer! With CrapperCo’s new Walking CanCane, you can just take a dump anywhere. No more pesky lines for public toilets, any where you need to walk, you can take a crap. Privacy curtain also available. Call now, Operators are standing by!

Um. Can’t I just get some Stainless Steel utensils? Spellcheck is for sissys!

Where old Sega Genesis systems go to die.

For all your busted leg needs…

“Son, sit down. you’re starting to freak me out.”

“Can’t you hear’em, Pa? The aliens…they’re calling out to me”

For all your skank-ho cosmetic needs. Chip resistant, totally tacky, and dries fast in the night air.

Um. I would think that maybe Mormon Women already have enough drama what with keeping all their schedules straight and whatnot. I’m not sure they need to be dramatized any more than they already are.

The quintessential 80’s music collection. Complete with a Cassingle!!

Oh yeah? Well my God knows that you all need a freakin’ stylist! Go tell that on the mountain, beyotch! (props go to Nancy for the stylist joke).

The closest thing to gay porn that you’ll find at the thrift store.

OK. This one’s a little embarrassing. From a distance, I was wondering what the heck Martin Sheen was doing on the cover of the Rolling Stone (look at it fast, from the corner of your eye-you’ll see it).

*80’s Flashback Alert!!* Remember when everything was “Le “something? Ahh. Good times, good times.

Dude. This was the FIND.
It’s the original pilot episode for Knight Rider (only the badassiest cool talking car show of the 80’s). Hasselhoff is a freakin’ Genius!! And you can best believe that this little gem came home with me. I’m such a geek (duh) that I may just transfer that over to digital so I can watch it upstairs (where I have refused to hook a VCR up to the good TV).

We don’t need no stickin’ organ donors list, Mommy. I got you an inflatable heart!!

On the surface, 10 cents is a pretty good price for a notebook. And this one has all kinds of cool pages. The only bummer?

Apparently someone’s group counseling notes were left in there! And may I just say, what a screwed up group it is!

Just how did Pooh get his Honey? Read the classic tale of how a bear of little brain rose to the top of the pimpdaddyhood of the 100 Acre Wood. “B****h betta have my Honey!”

It is a well known practice in retail to put the impulse buy items by the checkout registers.

Which does nothing to explain why these hideous pottery barn rejects where there!!

And with that indelible image of tackiness americana etched in your brain, I leave to you consume the springtime beverage of your choosing. Stayed tuned for the upcoming T-Shirt spectacular!


3 thoughts on “The Thrift End of the Ocean

  1. OK, in defense of the great Norman Rockwell… the \”Aliens are speaking to me\” picture is a copy of the painting \”Freedom of Speech,\” one in a series called \”The Four Freedoms.\” It\’s pretty cool… it\’s also in the book we have at home. I think the one you saw was sort of cropped or something. It doesn\’t look like the full-size version.

  2. Oh. I knew it was him. the other 3 were there, too, also cropped. It was just quite possibly one of the worst presentations of a Norman Rockwell piece that I\’ve seen. I didn\’t even see the signature or anything.

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