As Promised

Hey…back off man, Wednesday’s not officially over until I go to bed and then wake back up.
But enough of that.

And so it begins. The day of half-priced thrifty goodness. The parking lot lights shining like the twin suns over Tatooine…almost like they’re calling me home.

The first thing I was greeted by was this Saks 5th Ave. Hoodie. Rumor has it all the high society ho’s are wearing them. This one was a steal at $2.99. I hear in the actual store they’re going for $75. That’s real embroidery,yo.

I always look for one thing that sets the tone of the trip…and this, my friends, is it. The Walk Of Shame Wendy Doll. After a hearty night of partying at Tappa Kegga Bru, Wendy can’t find any of her clothes and is forced to borrow a t-shirt from the frat-boy she hooked up with. Ahh. Good times, good times.

Sure…the Seuss estate waits 20 years to sell the live action movie rights, but the game comes out right on time. BTW, from what I hear, both the movie and the game blow. Stick to the animated version with Boris Karloff. It’s better for everyone.

I can’t tell you how much I wanted this as a kid. I got Electronic Talking Stratego intead. (Sigh), the compromises we make growing up in the suburbs.

And pulling the WTF? award early in the trip is this gem. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the ‘nog as much as the next fella, but a plush carton? Come on. That’s taking it a bit too far.

I can’t imagine the dejection of working all day at the factory and then coming home to see this on the bed. On the flipside (literally), are 4 words of hope and encouragement (no…the 4 words are NOT “It happens to everyone.“)…they are in fact, THESE words…

Spacial Aircraft. See, this is the problem with letting the President have the last word on war toys.

This is either Jesus Christ or the ‘Nuge. I can’t tell which, maybe both. Afterall, if Clapton is God…maybe the Nuge is Jesus.

Ass ugly bag with rorshach print? Yes please. I’ll take 2 of the ones with the praying mantis on them.

I KNEW there had to be a Mrs. Green Giant! Why the hell else would he be so jolly?

This was in the mens section. I hovered a bit to see the various reactions. I don’t speak Spanish, but I’m pretty sure I heard one dude saying “Hey esay…I deedont know your seester donated heere” (*Note…if you’re keeping scoring, add another tic mark to the list of things I’m going to hell for….number 349:phonetically trying to sound like Speedy Gonzales)

Don had no chance of winning. Clearly the public was not ready for truth in politics.

“The Republic has changed my life!” (or was it the Gap?)

Hey Hey Hey…who the hell makes a Fat Albert shirt that’s a size Medium??

I swear…I’d be rocking some killer tees if I was a size medium…or not afraid to show my belly in public.

If you figure this one out, please let me know.

Ahh…fraternity/sorority tees. Practically the only tees that tell the truth anymore.

This was much funnier when I thought it said “Willie Esco +Dung”

Rolex+Kentucky. Two words that really don’t belong anywhere in the same sentence.

“But Daddy, why don’t you wear the sweatshirt I got you at the craft bazarre?” Because…well, son, it’s kind of gay.

OK…it’s a lot gay.

Used Auto Parts I can understand. Used Tires?? Not so much.

Ahhh, ain’t it the truth…

Sorry Darrin. I guess you didn’t have to eat those 100 coneys after all.

Love Candles? Look…I think we need to slow things down. I don’t know if I’m ready to make that kind of committment just yet. Can’t we just stick to flashlights?

OK…What the f*** is Molding Juice?

I have to think that if God was going to call me into discipleship, he’s not gonna use some broke ass phone from Mayberry. My man’s gonna have the new Motorola RPTR.

I bet Nike’s just loving this.

The lady that wears this shirt has got to have some serious self-esteem issues. And don’t even get me started about Bob.

In the land of thrift, you can count on finding an abundance of two major types of shirts. The first is of the “Race for (Insert Illness Here)” variety.

The second variety is the Jesus camp shirts.

I’m not a rafter, but I’m guessing that this is something that only looks good on paper.

Why thank you. I think I will. I have no words for this one.
And on the 27th day, God created the dinosaur…and also the generic reference to the ying yang. And I can’t be sure, but that might just be a GirlScout cookie or Little Debbie Snack Cake on there, too.

OK….I think I need to set my kids straight on the whole father/kid gift thing…at some point (usually Father’s Day), they need to get me a horrifically bad neck tie…or a t-shirt that makes me look like an egotistical freak. Then I politely thank them, wear the items until they forget about them, and move on (presumably to donate the t-shirt to the thrift store where I can see it and wonder why I don’t yet have such a shirt). The circle of life continues.

Again, not the best name for a company..or a softball team.

Occasionally, the front of a t-shirt will baffle me so much that I must immediately flip to the back to see what the heck it means. Unfortunately, that didn’t do diddly this time.

Oh man, I can’t believe this is here. Someone spent a lot of time eating that Miracle Whip jar empty and putting crappy shells in it. Just makes me sad, that’s all I’m saying.

OH MY GOD, they killed Kenny!

Careful, the clown will suck out your souls with the golden yarmulkes.

Don’t know.

Here we have the world’s worst bookends.

The nearly complete but not nearly worth the price lava lamp.

And this little gem of a cassingle. Heeeeeeeeey Macarena……ayight!

How do ma’am. Where do you keep your children, I’ve got some creeping out to do.
Um….yeah. This was once framed art. And by art I mean something that Mommy and Daddy had in Junior’s room until Junior was old enough to realize how retarded it looked.
(Insert butt/toilet joke here)

Peace, man.

Here’s a sneaky pic of the store. Look at all those people!
Quite possibly one of the best candies in the world (the cinnamon…not the sour apple) with the strangest name.
It’s the Ronco Home Hookah kit….just set it and forget it!

I didn’t even know they were still making this crap. I should stock up for Halloween. These just scared me.

I love the fact that they felt like they had to put a date on this doll…to distinguish it from the 100 other dolls they’re selling. The navajo outfit (on the clearly caucasian doll) must be hand made or something to make it worth $8.99

Circle of Love? If by love you mean the last living relative donates this family gem to the thriftstore, then yes, it’s the circle of love. Mom and Dad must be so proud.

Creamed soup in a box?? Something’s not right.

And with that (no, no soup for me), I left 1/2price day with $10 less in my bank account (got some nice shirts).

And headed over to Little Caesar’s for the $5 pie deal.


3 thoughts on “As Promised

  1. yeah! thrift store blog! Comments:1) Yeah… I wanted electronic battleship as well. I instead got connect four.2) I ate somewhere in the area of 300 coneys to get that Skyline Ambassador t-shirt. Thought, the total count in my lifetime is probably getting pretty close to 1000. :)3) Contrary to your comments on the VBS t-shirt, on the 27th day, God created the Kiss Reunion Tour (homage to the Kiss song \’And On The 8th Day (God Created Rock and Roll)\’ )4) Those Necco Mary Jane candies are really good, even if they don\’t have any \’mary jane\’ in them. Though if you got them at Hookahville, it\’s quite possible that they might.5) And yes, the circle of love frame is sad to see in the thrift store. At least take the pictures out so that your family doesn\’t find it there when doing their ritual Sunday antique shopping.

  2. LOL. I just got to thinking…Electronic Battle Ship…Electronic B.S. :P2-OK…300 coneys. But…I normally eat 3 at a time…SO…300 coneys=100 visits. In the grand algabraic scheme of things, we just said the same thing.3.Sorry…I was using the NuMetal Standard Version of the Bible, not the King Gene Version. I\’ll make a note of it. :-)4.I know they probably taste OK. They just always reminded me of the crappy candy from Halloween. No one wanted the Mary Janes or those peanut butter chews in the orange and black wax paper wrapping.5. Yeah. Those kinds of things make me sad…like no one in the family wanted it. But then, my Great Aunt died recently and there\’s a house full of stuff like that. So, I can see how it happens. Still kinda sucks.

  3. dude, you ROCK! first off, i assume when you say \”skyline\” you mean that skyline chili place that i\’ve never been to, but which seem to be all over the place in western oh? ick. i hear that they serve chili on spaghetti noodles. is that true? and i never owned any battleship game, but the one time i played it, i did pretty good and sunk the battle ship, so i rock. šŸ™‚ as for the VBS shirt with the dinosaur, some uber-christian family is breathing a sigh of relief or getting the unGodly thing out of their house, while still being able to clothe an underpriveliged athiest somewhere in the greater Columbus area. and as for the mary janes–well, all i can say is that my office ate more than our fair share of them during halloween. apparently, we all love the freaky black/orange pnut butter taffy. besides, if it has real pnut butter in it, it has to be good for you, right? Thanks for another great glimpse into the world of thrifting!

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