So. At the doctor’s office a couple weeks back I was sitting in the parking garage and starting formulating an idea of documenting my weight loss journey. I need to lose 100lbs. I don’t have a time frame for this (I’m not putting any constraints on myself in that regards).
I’m going down the path of using points the Weight Watchers point system.
So I started the writing. I’ve even thought about going the ‘reality TV Confessional Booth’ short film approach, too. But I’m not sure who would dig it besides me.
I thought that I would do weekly installments on the writing. But here’s the thing….I’m just not feeling it right now.
And I’ve shelved it for now. It just isn’t flowing right now.
And to prove my point, I’ve attached it. If you feel like you want to wade through it, feel free.
I just don’t see myself going back to it right now, so I thought I’d at least release it into the wild.
“What’s 100 Pounds?”
Before we jump in to the meat…
Let me just get this out of the way early on. I know that this probably won’t be relevant or mean anything to anyone but me. And that’s fine. It’s really more of a way for me to collect my thoughts somewhere that isn’t on my Blog, in a paper diary or any of that other stuff.
I have to be honest, I’m not really sure how this is going to go. What this will probably wind up being is a way to keep track of thoughts and feelings as I go through my quest to lose 100 pounds.
I envision that I will have a chapter for each week, or each weight milestone, or something along those lines. If it happens that way-cool. If not, that’s cool too. This, to me, is meant to be an organic document-growing and adapting along with me as I go through this journey.
And it is going to be a journey with a capital J, buddy. Let me tell you that right now.
I guess I need to just shut the heck up and get on with it, huh?
Andrew Todd Skaggs
October 31, 2007
Date: 31 October 2007
Weight (My Scale): 299lbs
Weight (Doc’s Scale):303lbs
This chapter doesn’t start on a Monday like the rest of them probably will. I decided to start this today rather than wait because I’m currently sitting in the Doctor’s office waiting room. I’m waiting for a chance to pay my doctor to tell my I’m fat, that I need to lose weight, that I need to exercise more, and I need to change my eating habits.
All of this I know.
And yet, the knowing doesn’t really mean crap, does it? I know that carrying 100+ extra pounds on my frame is going to eventually cause my body to revolt and start refusing to do the things I’ve been taking for granted for 35 years. I know how to eat healthy. I know what exercises to do.
All of this I know.
But is any of that enough to motivate me to lose the weight?
I could easily carve out an existence as one of the tens of thousands of obese persons in our country. And I could be quite pleased doing so. I’d get to eat what I want. I can still find clothes that fit me. Fuggit. Why not?
Because I’m sure somewhere out there is a study that links the number of extra pounds one carries with the amount of time their life is shortened. And let’s be honest, at 35, I’m a lot less self-destructive than I was at 25.
And then theres the little matter of my heart. It’s already been patched (back when I was 25).I was born with a hole in my heart that never closed. They found it and fixed it before I died. Woohoo! Now I can begin with my new lease on life…change my ways,..eat healthier…right?
It would be great to be able to end the story there. That I started a routine of eating right and exercising daily (then it would be a blog entry).
But that didn’t quite happen.
Hell, it didn’t happen like that at all. And I’m not so sure the gory details of my post-surgery complications, divorce, dating again, getting remarried and stuffing my face all the while with whatever the heck I wanted to.
At some point I did Atkins (seems like forever ago) and got down to about 270 or so. And it seemed to work. As long as I stuck to it. And hell….all the meat I can eat….cutting back on carbs….dream come true, right? So it would seem. That is until I started missing potatoes and good bread, and the crust on pizzas. You know…the little things that are so full of carbs that you (and by you, I mean me) miss when you’re not eating them.
So I stopped that. Convinced that I could control things on my own without it. That I could just watch what I ate and be fine. And for a while it seemed to be working. Like all things, though, when you do something long enough, you start to think you don’t need to do it anymore to maintain the results. Like somehow the results are part of you and not something you actively sought.
Fast forward to sometime in the last couple years. I went to the doctor…hit the scales…I weighed 318lbs. According to my body type, my PERFECT weight should be 185. Here’s the thing, I know I’m not perfect so I added a few comfort pounds back. So, lets say that I want to get to 200lbs. After all, I wouldn’t want to steal ALL the ladies away from Pitt and Clooney.
Shit! That means I’m over 100lbs overweight?!? How in the hell did that happen? OK, OK. I know how it happened, but damn. 100lbs??
That’s just nuts, dude.
And that brings us to now.
I’ve been playing yo-yo with this weight thing ever since. I managed to get it down to 265 last year. And now I’m hovering back on the 300 mark again.
And something has got to give.
That something, apparently, is me.
I just got out of the doctor’s office. I spent my 8 minutes with her recounting why I suddenly (this Sunday) realized I needed to get my shit together.
Those reasons include:
Wanting to live to see my daughter grow up and be there when she has kids
Not wanting to die before I get my Academy Award(s)
So how do I feel now? Man, I just don’t know how I feel now. I told the doc about the idea for this book and she said, “You should film it!” And I told her if I did that, she’d have to agree to be in the film. She said she would.
So….where to go now with this. I think that writing it down is going to be good to help me sort my shit out, but I also think there’s some merit to visuals. Maybe I’ll go back to my idea of taking a picture every week and keep a visual record of the weight loss. Then I can put that in the book (in glossy pages in the center). I also want to take pictures of things that weigh around 100lbs. I think it’s going to be an eye opener to me when I do that and maybe for one of you out there, too. Alright. Time to face traffic.
And the trick-or-treaters.
It’s been three days now since going to the doctor. I haven’t told N- that I’ve lost 5 lbs this week. And I’m pretty sure I haven’t told her about the book/short film idea for this either. I don’t know why I’m holding off on that. Maybe I want her to notice me and tell me how good I look now. And by ‘now’ I mean in a month or two when the weight loss is really noticeable.
Halloween wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I ate less at dinner to compensate for the fact that I would be taking in more calories with the candy. It’s just too easy to eat that stuff when there’s a big bowl of it lying around. I used to think those people that would go into their kitchens and purge all the ‘bad’ food were crazy. Now I completely understand the logic behind it. There really is something to the whole ‘out of sight out of mind’ thing, eh?
I told you that I don’t know where this whole thing is going. There may only be one entry per weigh-in. Or I could write until my fingers are sore. Who knows?
I also haven’t firmed up the idea of if I’m doing a film or just doing some kind of ‘reality TV confessional I hate the other people in the Real World house’ kind of thing or not. We’ll have to see how that all pans out.
I’m sure this is all terribly interesting to you, the casual observer. But are you really that casual at this point? You’re a good chapter in to this thing by now. Is it everything you thought it would be?
While we’re at it…what DID you think it was going to be? I mean, if I know what you’re wanting to get out of this, I’ll know what the hell I’m doing.
I’m a little nervous about the weekend. That’s where the meals are not at a set time and where it’s a lot easier to just munch and snack all day. I think I need to just make sure I don’t have too much down time. Given all the things I’ve got to do this weekend, it shouldn’t really be an issue.
I’m an activity eater. I don’t know if that’s an official type or not, but it is for me. Basically I eat for something to do. If I’m watching TV, or surfing the net, I will kill a bag of chips without even thinking twice. A bag of Twizzler Cherry Bites? Please. If they last thirty minutes after the bag is opened, then it’s only because I’m eating something else. No joke.
I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I’m in a new social situation. I eat at parties. I eat when I’m not getting laid. I eat after getting laid.
You know when I don’t eat? When my body tells me its hungry. How friggin’ stupid is that? That’s WHEN I’m supposed to eat. And that’s when I don’t. Usually I use the ‘didn’t have time’ cop out.
Bullshit. Who doesn’t have time to eat?
This week has been a good week, though. I’ve been more consistent on when I’m eating, and way more consistent and healthy on my choice of foods (with an occasional backslide here and there). It’s basically the way I need to eat from here on out.
At least until I lose the extra 100lbs.
Which won’t come soon enough.
Date: 5 November 2007
Weight (My Scale): 296lbs
There really hasn’t been much change since last week. Sure, the scale shows less weight, but have I really made progress?
I think I have. I have been training myself more to eat things that are closer to what I should eat.
This week, and last week too, have been quite the tests for me. Almost every day of the week, people have been going to lunch to places that I love to go and I’ve always had food in my lunch box (sure, not as tasty as the Pub’s fish and chips, but ultimately better for me).
Today was especially hard. I had not packed a lunch this morning, so I was open to going out. But at the zero hour, I remembered that I had a couple of lean cuisine meals in the freezer…
You know, this really is kind of a hokey book. I’m not sure why you would read it. I mean, I know why I’m writing it (mostly)…it’s supposed to be some kind of account of where my head is at as I go through this weight loss thing. But why are you reading it?
I guess it goes back to the whole self worth thing. I don’t think that this is of any value to you (and obviously you thought it would be or you would not have purchased it (or at the very least, taken the time to download it illegally off of the interweb)).
I was right, by the way. The weekend was my downfall. We had Skyline Chili on Friday night. Taco Bell Saturday afternoon, and Rofini’s Pizza Saturday night. Followed by Chinese on Sunday. I was down 5 lbs from my Monday weight on Friday. This past Monday, 2 of those pounds had come back. I really need to watch weekends. Those eating out binges are killers on the program.
“But Todd,” you ask. “What program are you on?”
Glad you asked.
I like to call it the Modified Points Program. What it boils down to is that I’m monitoring the points of the Weight Watchers System but not paying them any money or going to any meetings. I did it before and got down to 265. Then I stopped writing down my points ,thinking I could just keep track of everything in my head. Wrong! Eventually I may start going to the meetings. At some point I think I’ll have to. Just for the simple fact that I know I will get to a point where I need to symbolize my commitment to getting rid of the lard. And from what I’ve seen, where you money goes…so does your commitment.
If you’re looking for insight from this book, you better remember that one. Let me hit you with it again.
You won’t spend money on something you don’t care about. So, if you are going to make a commitment to something, there comes a time when making that commitment with your mouth just isn’t enough. You will eventually have to make that commitment with you actions (and your wallet).
Oh…I almost forgot to reiterate another nugget.
Write it down.
If you are counting calories, or points or carbs or whatever-write it down. You can NOT keep track of it in your head. Trust me on this one. Very few people are good enough to deal with the minutia of day to day life AND keeping track of how many calories were in the Bagel from breakfast. It just doesn’t work that way.
Speaking of writing stuff down, I need to take a break and go update my spreadsheet. BRB.
9 November 2007
Did I mention that I eat when I’m stressed? Last night’s pepperoni pizza and double Italian Hoagie proved that.
Dammit. I knew I was going to do that. From about 2PM on yesterday, I knew I wanted that for dinner.
The key, I think, is to make sure that I don’t deny myself the foods I love. If I do that, it’s not going to work. I’ve (unfortunately) proven that.
Date: 12 November 2007
Weight (my scale):292lbs
Dude. 13lbs down from October 18th. I’m pretty jazzed about that. that’s about 2-3 pounds a week. Which, according to the experts is about what you should plan on losing.
Wonder how many of them are big fatties?
OK. This really is a bit boring.
It’s not turning out the way I thought it would at all.
I think I thought it would flow like the other stuff I’ve written. But it’s not really going that way.
Which pretty much means one thing.
Time to shelve it for now.